IN JUNE 1996 I learned that someone who had been a great on-and-off love of mine—from the time we were both 21 in 1967—had passed away. Don Murray was a well-known drummer who had played and recorded with the Turtles, the Surfaris, and other groups. He was quite a heartthrob in his day and certainly stole my heart! In 1978, soon after I was “reborn,” he had come back into my life for a while and we had many deep spiritual discussions. He was looking for answers but had balked at my gigantic tome; instead he had a life-changing experience with a "substitute book" I gave him, a tiny paperback called Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis, which he called "a keg of dynamite." (He even joined a Christian church where he met and married another girl, but that's another story!)

Also an artist, Don had worked in the publishing and animation fields, both of which I also happened to be in though we never worked at the same place at the same time. I had last spoken to him in 1985, but as we were both members of the Screen Cartoonists Guild, I read the news of his March 22 1996 death in our June newsletter.

A strange thing happened on that day: Don had a sort of a fleck in the white of his right eye, and almost immediately I became aware of a broken blood vessel on precisely that same spot in my right eye. I don’t know what to make of that—was it just a coincidence? Can the dead break through and cause that to happen?—but it felt very scratchy and was a constant reminder of Don through the weeks that it took to go away.

As soon as I learned of his death I had a driving compulsion to contact his mother, Lillian, with whom I had lost touch. I can remember standing in my kitchen and feeling as though Don's invisible hands were “gripping” my shoulders, begging me to find his mother and convince her that he was not dead, that he was indeed very much alive! I could almost hear him shouting,"You've got to let my mother know that I am not dead!" Of all of Don’s friends, I was probably the only one he felt he could call on to deliver this message to her!

I could almost hear him shouting, "You've got to let my mother know that I am not dead!"

It took some detective work but via a woman named Jamie who had been engaged to Don at the time of his death, I found Lillian's number. I’d always had a good relationship with Don’s family so I was sure his mother would remember me, but I hadn’t seen her for decades so I was full of butterflies as I dialed her number. She answered, and I was relieved that she was delighted to hear from me. We had a three-hour reunion over the phone wherein I learned that she was now in her late seventies, wheelchair-bound and suffering from serious ailments, living in Palm Desert, California, with her daughter Marilyn and granddaughter Helen.

Lillian was consumed with grief. She related to me the unbearable pain of watching her son die in the prime of his life with so much left undone. She had turned to God for strength but in practice she had only a vague concept of the afterlife or that she would ever see Don again. In addition, she was filled with bitterness and rage against the surgeons who had botched a routine procedure causing Don to spend three months in a coma before dying at 51; she was suspicious of people in his life who, Lillian believed, were out to take advantage of Don’s estate; she talked of malpractice and lawyers.

I tried to convince her that only Don’s body was dead; the real Don was very much alive and wanted her to know that. I had recently read Life in the World Unseen by Anthony Borgia, one of my favorite books describing what awaits us on the other side, and offered to send it to her. Not wanting to part with my precious book should she not be interested, I xeroxed it and had it comb-bound for her. I also rummaged through my bookcase and selected a few other volumes, stuffed them in a large padded envelope, and mailed them out. On July 2 she wrote:

Dear Saskia,

I just received a most wonderful package from you. It was beyond my wildest dreams. I cannot express how to thank you, your thoughtfulness, your care in your selection of subject matter and the endless hours of copying your treasured book for my reading. It is hard for me to imagine receiving such a gift. . . . Wonderful hearing from you! You were always one of our favorite people!!! Love you lots. From all of us here, 

Lillian, Marilyn, Angela & Helen

After the positive receipt of this first book, I now felt driven to look for more. At the time I had a full-time job in the animation department of Walt Disney Studios but every spare moment found me in the metaphysical sections of used book stores searching for books that would show Lillian that Don's soul and personality were still alive in the universe and very much tuned into what was happening with his loved ones back here on earth. It seemed that Don was leading and guiding me, his hands once again “gripping” my shoulders, sometimes “pushing” me, "helping" me to sift and sort through the revelatory gems, often having me climb on ladders to find obscure titles on high shelves!

Sometimes I would pick up a book, leaf through and put it back, and then I’d "feel" Don scolding me, saying, "That is not for you to decide! There may be something in there that will speak to her! Buy it anyway!" Regularly I'd be standing in line at the post office with an extra-large padded envelope full of old books to mail to her. I could "hear" Don saying, "I can't do this myself so you have to be my legs!"

That first letter was the beginning of a stream of correspondence from Lillian, from July 1996 until March 1997, when she became ill and incapacitated before she herself passed away on May 9, 1997. Our letters covered many topics and there were also phone calls, but I have excerpted below mainly how she reacted to the books I sent her:

18 July 18 1996:
Thank you, Thank you for your package of pictures of our precious Don and your smiling at us [I had mailed some old pictures]. The books are well-appreciated. In Search of the Hereafter [by Reginald M. Lester] is perfect in the sense of its conversational presentation. I will really appreciate its contents. It’s like sitting down with an old friend and sharing the grief we are suffering and understanding each other’s deepest suffering of the loss of one so dear to me.

31 August 1996
. . . I have been busy writing about the three months Don spent in the hospital and the team of butchers assigned to him and all the horrors they put him through. Since I have devoured those wonderful books you sent to me, I have learned so much through the experiences of so many who have contacted those beyond. I decided I would talk to Don every day and explain to him what is going on here.

. . . I talked to Don about [the ongoing legal shenanigans concerning his musical career and royalties] and told him how troubled I was, and—can you imagine?—here is the thought that came into my brain: “Mother, I’m not there anymore. It’s just (get this!) trifling.” I hope you don’t think I’m loony, but this is what is really happening, Saskia.

Again, thank you for the marvelous books. Don and I really appreciate our knowing we can really have our talks, as we have enjoyed though our lifetime. Of course, I do all the talking. He doesn’t answer, but I feel he must know somehow I can get through to him. When it’s important, I get his thought!

5 September 1996
I really cannot express to you how much I appreciate having someone who understands what really goes on in living with the spiritual and having the understanding of what life is all about. I could never imagine life without GOD. . .
P.S. The book I so dearly love is entitled, Witness From Beyond, received from the late A.D. Mattson, S.T.D.

12 September 1996
I received the package of books that you mailed to me and thank you very much.. . . I want you to know I’m reading and enjoying every minute, absorbing each and every page. I have finished The Life After Death [by Charles W. Leadbeater] and am now into The Telephone Between Worlds [by James Crenshaw]. It’s all great reading.

24 September 1996
Thank you for the adorable card and the letter you wrote to us. . . you made me feel such joy, I actually found so much fun reading your message. I laughed (not at you) when you were describing your experience, your conversation with Don and his directions to you. It does make me very happy to know he is with you in his endeavor to guide Marilyn and me, through you. He knows that you will listen and understand what he needs to be done for him. You two must have had a very powerful relationship. Don communicates only with the ones he can trust and love. Through these wonderful books I have learned things I never knew existed.

25 September 1996
I get such a kick reading over and over your message on the card you sent. The parts of your conversation with Don. . . . His asking you to send us all these terrific books. You are right, Don is not an ordinary guy. He is probably talking to all those who are important in heaven, and they are guiding him as to how to educate us whom he loves—especially to depend on you so heavily to help educate Marilyn and me all about what he is up to, so we can understand what goes on where he is and what it’s like being there.

2 October 1996
Thank you for your helping Marilyn and me. It gave us both such great understanding of the hereafter, it relieved us of the terrible time of deep grieving, and lifted us into a whole new understanding of the reality of life. We both know now Don cannot be cheated out of his music, art, computer skills and especially his happiness. You made it all happen for us and as you have said, Don is very close to you. He knew we needed help desperately, and you were his answer to our concern. He knew you would hear him. Between the two of you, you have given Don back to us and we to him. Isn’t it thrilling?

"You have given Don back to us and we to him. Isn’t it thrilling?"

* * *

A FRIEND OF MINE had lost her father and I wanted to share some of the afterlife books with her. I asked Lillian to select a few that had been most helpful and return them to me. Here is what she wrote:

8 October 8 1996
I chose these three books [I cannot recall their titles] as I found them extremely potent in understanding, love, and comfort to a grieving soul, and hopefully this young woman is of the thinking of God’s presence and love. I didn’t send any of the thicker books at this point in time; it may represent too much of a challenge. I feel sad for the newness of losing a loved one; the anger is hard to handle. I just hope you approve of my choice.

. . . I could not imagine being without God each day. He knows how much I love Him. I talk to Him every day and night. I also thank Him for leading you to us. It’s grand knowing you are there.

I think I wrote you that we received the large package of books you sent to us. . . . I’m reading like crazy, devouring the books already. Thank you!

. . . I am writing about Don’s life as you suggested. It is turning out terrific. You will love my story about him. It keeps pouring out of me. . . . As soon as I finish the papers as a whole, I will number the pages to replace all my anger about those doctors and hospital activities! [She had sent me earlier drafts and was responding to my comments.] Thank you for reminding me it was not the place to have this history included. It was the visions, the love and joy that was felt and seen for him. Thank you, thank you!

Click here to read Lillian's essay about Don, My Son Speaks, I Listen

9 October 1996
The books you requested should have arrived by now. I loved reading them. They are so to the point, easy to read and understand. Hope whoever is receiving them will appreciate the help in the love and comfort they offer. They will still the anger of losing the loved one if the message in each book, so to speak, sinks in with careful reading. Let’s hope so.

14 October 1996
Thank you for the books you sent to Marilyn and me. There will be a great many good things to learn from them. We really appreciate what you are doing and what you have done us, but I feel guilty about the cost to you. You must let us repay you for the many books and postage it has cost you. [Absolutely not, I told her!] I’m sure Don would agree with me—he didn’t intend for you to part with the fortune it is costing. . . . Love you for all you have done. I truly feel it has saved our lives as we are of a settled thinking mentality, and our old selves with a happier outlook. We cannot thank you enough!

* * *

AT THE TIME of his death Don had been helping Lillian with a manuscript, her memoir about her lifelong best friend, June Nicholson, mother of the actor Jack Nicholson. Leaving her to face the project alone, Lillian was at first devastated and despondent. Through the months she had been sending me bits and pieces of her manuscript and I had been offering her comments and suggestions. She wrote:

14 October 1996
What all the books you sent—and I studied—gave me back was the energy and desire to pull the manuscript together. I almost gave up altogether with the feeling . . . what’s the use? Don is not here to share the enthusiasm and the gung ho to pursue the future of our story—if there is one. But now you can see how changed my attitude has become. I guess Don knew what he was doing when he contacted you. He knew he could reach me through you, Saskia, and you were receptive.

19 October 1996
I’m happy you liked the books I mailed to you. I have gone through the books again, and found five [more] books that are easy to read and understand. It’s already in the mail. . . . 

I have enclosed what I thought you might enjoy reading from the book I am, at this time, reading from the last group you sent to me. It never ceases to amaze me, the things I read in the books that I can associate with, something that touches some part of our life. When I read these passages from these many authors, I find myself smiling, because of the familiarity to my own experiences.

P.S. Saskia, here is something interesting. I’m reading the book, What Spiritualism Really Is, by Thomas Carlyle, through Dr WM. J. Bryan. Page 165, second paragraph:

Adepts of spiritualism and clairvoyants can see colors which constitute a personal aura of those who advance in spiritual knowledge and character, they are found to be golden amber light and dark blue, surrounded by blue clouds and a white glow, which betoken a spiritual force that radiates truth and love to all others.

Remember in Angela’s dream vision [READ MY SON SPEAKS, I LISTEN], she saw Don standing in the living room doorway, dressed in dark blue pajamas? The last part of the quotation, “that radiates truth and love to all others," is so typical of Don’s lifestyle, always giving to others. . . . No wonder Don went straight to heaven. Thank you Saskia, I would never have made it to where I am now in my understanding, if not for you. Thank you, thank you.

27 October 1996
I received your package of books, and thank you over and over again for your keeping us constantly with new information. I cannot tell you how much I enjoy every book you send. I’m still reading the books from the previous mailing to this one received, and have three more to read. As you say, there is always new and different information in each one. It makes me feel good reading the truth about the hereafter and reliving me of worry about Don’s work and happiness.

I had a thought this morning . . . these dear books is likened to a collection of treasured cook books, the subject is all about the same initial main ingredients, but the use of the various combinations of whatever extras to heighten the taste, makes the taste buds go mmmmm . . . mmmmm. The information, plus the different experiences of the people involved in the sittings, are thought provoking, if that’s a good word to use. Each one is different, and there is something to learn from each book.

* * *

ON 2 FEBRUARY 1997, at the annual Screen Cartoonists Guild Memorial Service, I delivered the eulogy for Don. Lillian and Marilyn came to Hollywood for the occasion and stayed with my husband and me at our home in Pasadena. During that time we had many inspiring talks about the books we were all reading and how grateful we all were to have this knowledge. We also visited a psychic in Glendale and took a trip down memory lane to the Inglewood neighborhood where they had lived, mainly the locations described in Lillian's book about her friend June. At this time I also finally dared to give Lillian a copy of the amazing book that had changed my life, The Urantia Book.

14 February 14 1997
I am busy reading your [Urantia] book, and learning quite a lot of information I have been curious about through my whole life time. I really am enjoying every page.

21 March 21 1997
I talked to Marilyn about finding a psychic here in the desert. . . I would like to find out what is going on in the heavenly place I read about in the books you sent us. Just finished another one—it is terrific: The Voice Triumphant by Mrs. Cecil M. Cook. Also read Where Two World Meet by Athur Findlay. I am about to begin reading another book of many pages. They are all inspiring. They have been such a great help to me in understanding what happens in the continuing life. I still grieve, I’m sure that is a natural thing to do, but memories are a constant reminder of a life that was and enjoyed so much! Thinking of you all the time and hoping things are going well for you. . . .
Love you,
Lillian

* * *

THIS WAS THE LAST letter I received from Lillian. In early March my husband and I had visited them in Palm Desert and shortly thereafter Lillian became ill was admitted to the hospital. There she was attached to a breathing apparatus and could only communicate via scribbled messages. I wanted to come out to see her but Marilyn advised against it, keeping me informed through frequent phone calls. When Lillian passed away on 9 May 1997 I was honored that Marilyn asked me to spend the first few days with her and her daughters. Marilyn said, "You know." Yes, I knew that Lillian was not dead but still very much alive, having merely left her physical body behind on this planet while her soul, spirit and personality were now reunited with her beloved son! That I was able to offer Lillian comfort and hope during this last phase of her life has been an unending source of happiness for me.

A few months later my husband and I drove out to Palm Desert to pick up the books I had sent to Lillian in the course of nine months. I was amazed when I saw the huge stack! Scores of volumes, all shapes and sizes, containing some of the most valuable information on this planet for those who seek to know what happens to our souls when die!

That was 1997. What was I to do with my enormous collection of afterlife books, that had provided such consolation for Lillian? I wanted to share them with others, but how? Thank heaven for today's computer technology, which allows us not only to offer links to most of these texts for free (such as archive.org) but also makes it easy to create Kindle and print-on-demand books. [Most of them are listed on the Online Books page of this website. Favorites I’ve republished in Kindle and Print formats, profits going to FreeSchools World Literacy.]

When Lillian died I packed her letters and writings away in a large envelope. For twenty years was not sure what to do about them. Recently, looking for something she said in a letter, I sat down and read through it all from start to finish. I felt her reaching from beyond the grave, wanting me to share our story, so here it is. I hope it inspires others and helps someone else who may be grieving the loss of a loved one.

And the name of the amazing book that changed my life back in 1977? You guessed it! THE URANTIA BOOK.